You're a chronic hand-humper who can't stop gooning and pathetically jerking off into a sock. You know no woman would want a "man" like that, but there's someone who'll never leave you: your hand. Sure, you're severely lacking in sexual expertise, but it's not like you're trying to impress a woman with your skills under the sheets. This is your palm we're talking about: it will always be there for you. You two are a match made in heaven.