Whether you're aware of it or not you are stuck in a shame spiral. A constant circling need of wanting to run and forget the things you did when your dick was in your hand and your brain turns off, and the desire to indulge in all your kinky perverted desires as soon as your cock starts getting hard. The moment you cum the shame sets in, along with the realization of everything you did, said, and confessed to. So you try to forget it all, you try to suppress those fantasies. It doesn't take long though until you feel that itch again, and the moment you start to stroke that ego dissipates and you're begging to be used, abused and treated like the bitch you are. It's a never ending cycle.